kimberly, plain and tall

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 08:12:57 GMT

trailofembers for anyone who is still interested.

&; (head desk. head desk. head desk.)

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 08:54:28 GMT

turned this monster in to the enviro sci office today. i have not slept in 39 hours.

(my senior thesis might turn out to be a pamphlet compared to this thing. why is a giant
synthesis the final project for an introductory course half the school only puts up with to
fulfill the lab science requirement? i don't understand, i don't understand...

anyway, many thanks to the choirgirl hotel and two cappucinos for helping me through
the night. now the first hurdle is over and i play achaea* and neopets to my heart's content.
until i have to buckle down and rememorize 1,000 characters for my chinese final, anyway.)

* if any of you still play, my name is ilandere ("moon woman"). drop me a line if you want.

&; houdini

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 07:03:37 GMT

it's too bad i'm neither honest nor insightful. this result still has some truth to it, though: i refrain from taking advantage of people and especially hate it when sensitivity is exploited because god knows i'm hypersensitive myself. i've managed to maintain some strong relationships despite my tendency toward hermitude and misanthropy, and my outlook on life isn't as cynical as it is a cautious realism with snarky undertones.

-
today's kimism: "don't worry, your leg will get better. it might even improve!"

&; "wanna die? drink coffee."

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 08:30:19 GMT

this morning: woke up, instantaneously forgot my dream, pushed back the comforter and rolled into the cold morning air, so happy i was to hear my birds chirping again!

the green one was sick over thanksgiving break. we had to rush him to the vet's and waited three hours for a diagnosis and treatment.
naturally, i was so distraught over my bird's health and the possibility of it falling dead off its perch that i forgot to bring any homework with me - and so, i got absolutely nothing done on a day that was supposed to be dedicated to my hudson river report.

that's okay, though.
this whole ordeal is proof that some things are more important than grades. (& money. mother wasn't too happy about paying the enormous vet fees. i offered to split the bill with my brother the next time we have to get medical treatment for our pets.)

we were worried for awhile that the bird wouldn't make it. but he's recovered nicely overnight, and it's likely he'll be back to normal within a few days. we'll just be more careful about where we put the cage from now on.

are you tired of reading these kinds of entries?
don't worry. it's only a temporary style.
i'll be back to writing more organized posts as soon as i've submitted all this environmental science coursework.
(when will that be? possibly early december.)

right now, i'm watching MY SASSY GIRL. it's a very happy and uplifting movie, save for the melodramatic bit towards the end.
funny, too.
we're just at the part where the girl gets gyun-woo out of class:
"it worked!"
"what did you tell him?"
"that i'm getting an abortion, and you're the father."
"..."
(gyun-woo's expression here is priceless.)

now the girl is changing the ending of shower! instead of the heroine asking to be buried in clothes reminiscent of her love, she demands that her lover be buried with her.
"they bury him alive. isn't it sad?"
"..."

oh, i definitely have a twisted sense of humor.

tonight i had dinner at a chinese restaurant in harlem
same place, almost the same table as last time.
one more visit, and the staff will probably consider us regulars. this is good.
i'm always up for some more crispy chicken. as opposed to...

school!
why do i have to be back in school? why do i hate this semester so much? i'm not normally so disinterested in my classes.

tomorrow i have environmental science at eleven.

tomorrow i also can pick up my copy of SUMMER TIME MACHINE BLUES!
but for now i don't have it, so it's MY SASSY GIRL all the way.

(RUNAWAY SOLDIER goes all emo in the carnival. GYUN-WOO and THE GIRL are bored.)
THE GIRL: heard your head blows up if you shoot in the mouth
GYUN-WOO: yeah, the hole in your head is *this* big.
THE GIRL: wow. that's serious. a teeny bullet does that?
GYUN-WOO: yeah, the bullet tears the...
SOLDIER: EVEN YOU BASTARDS DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

... good night.

&; what i need

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 08:03:04 GMT

to do:
- memorize 200 chinese characters for tomorrow's test
- study 2 chapters of japanese for tomorrow's test
- learn how to go to bed earlier

+ obtain the necessary signatures for my major declaration form

to curb:
- sugar intake
- procrastination
- parentheses usage
- adverb usage

to listen to:
+ la valse d'amelie
+ rebellion lies
+ inner universe / rise
+ let go

to remember:
+ what lina told me: that i am capable of building healthy relationships
+ i am loved. their affection for me is independent of their feelings for other people

to forget:
- doubt (am i loved? can i love? do i have any ability as _______?)

to stop:
- fearing HAPPINESS, the path to

HAPPINESS, the path to
where is it?

&; sleepy rant.

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 15:46:59 GMT

up at 6am this morning to sign up for limited enrollment (l) courses. while columbia students take care of their programming online, barnard girls have to wait on line at the registrar's office. it's an utterly ridiculous system, and completely unfair because sometimes the class you want/need fills up with students from the other side of the street before you even have a chance to give connie the call number. and then there's the competition on your side; by midday, the line extends from the registrar's desk, around the corner past the president's office, down a very long corridor out into the main hall. now you know why i insist on going to the registrar at the crack of dawn. (it doesn't open until nine. but yes, i did get into both my limited enrollment classes this morning, so it was worth sleeping on the floor for three hours.)

right now i'm copying notes for my environmental science class. or, rather, peter bower's soapbox, as it should be called because the class has very little to do with the environment and is mostly just our professor ranting about geographic illiteracy and how terrorists want to kill us, etc. (i was at his office the other day to pick up materials for an extra credit project. there were autographed portraits of george w. and laura bush on his wall, so i suspect he knows the president personally.) i have a test today on rachel carson's "flood tide," which was actually an interesting read compared to the usual drivel by robert boyle ... that man is too obsessed with fish. who wants to read about mating shad "splashing vigorously" in the waters of their local river? not me. and not surprisingly, i haven't been doing well on the tests lately. maybe i should get back to reviewing now, so i don't fail this next one as well. but i'm also feeling groggy, and that's no way to take a test. so maybe i'll get some coffee at java city instead.

&; stand alone complex

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 06:34:27 GMT

Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth,
like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones.

most nights, words like these are my only consolation.
(they're never mine.)

...

1 - today chinese was a succession of awkward drill prompts. (unit three in our textbook is about evolving perspectives on romance & dating in china. our vocabulary list includes words like "be in love" and "speed dating." so of course class would be awkward, come time for drill.) i keep my head low to avoid being called on, but nobody can avoid the spotlight for an hour and twenty-five minutes: "if you were given the opportunity, who would you like to be left alone with?" – the absurd prompt, translated from the chinese. i shrug and respond “just somebody," and may or may not have used the sentence pattern on the cue card. the light is deflected onto another student; i'm safe but still flustered because of course i take these things too seriously and of course i had to be thinking of him... !

2 - my first kiss was kind of stolen from me. i say kind of because i kind of let it happen. (i say kind of because i had some reservations about hooking up with a stranger but didn't really resist his advances.) inebriated, i obviously wasn't thinking straight. but never once did i feel cheated, not now, not when i pulled away that night before things could go any further and stumbled back upstairs past the bar and the korean girls wearing too much make up, out into the lamplit street where the beggars found me fumbling with my cell phone keys. in hindsight, it might have been my only chance.

&; low.

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 06:37:25 GMT

01 White Stripes - Blue Orchid
02 George Gershwin - Rhapsody in Blue
03 Blue Man Group - Rods and Cones
04 Elvis Presley - Blue Suede Shoes

05 The Carpenters - Rainy Days and Mondays

always get me down.

&; from literaryquotes

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 02:06:50 GMT

When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table.

I spent my life learning to feel less.

Every day I felt less.

Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.

-- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

&; where i'd rather be.

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 20:51:28 GMT

28 AUG 06
DEP: NINOY AQUINO INT'L AIRPORT (0810)
ARR: HONG KONG INT'L AIRPORT (1010)

&; how i procrastinate

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 18:42:51 GMT

i've been posting more frequently lately. i think i'm subconsciously trying to make up for my absence over the summer.

RA-RA-RASPUTIN, LOVER OF THE RUSSIAN QUEEN.
RA-RA-RASPUTIN, RUSSIA'S GREATEST LOVE MACHINE.

ahem.

right now, i'm teaching nadia how to play harvest moon.
she's having trouble cycling through the items in her rucksack
and foraging in the mountains
and planting the turnip seeds she bought at the supermarket
and she just accidentally threw away a yellow grass worth 120G
...
and now she's completely lost.

okay, time for another tutorial!

(guh, this is so much more engaging than reading about the spawning ritual of lilac shad.)

&; stolen from jen.

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 17:24:18 GMT

Kim wins at wasting time!

You scored as The Vine. In Celtic astrology, you're a Vine (not everything on the zodiac is a tree). The animal symbol that accompanies this plant is the swan. The ancient Druids say Vine people are graceful, discriminating, perceptive, romantic and have good aesthetics. However, Vines may be prone to procrastination and anxiety. They may also appear emotionally detached or even stuck-up.

</td>

The Vine

95%

The Rowan

80%

The Holly

75%

The Hazel

70%

The Birch

60%

The Willow

60%

The Hawthorn

60%

The Ivy

55%

The Elder

The Ash

45%

The Oak

The Reed

45%

The Alder

45%

What Tree Are You? (Celtic astrology)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Linguistics. You should be a Linguistics major!

</td>

Philosophy

100%

Linguistics

100%

Art

100%

Anthropology

100%

Sociology

100%

English

92%

Dance

92%

Journalism

92%

Psychology

92%

Biology

83%

Theater

75%

Chemistry

58%

Engineering

33%

Mathematics

17%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

A five-way tie. I LOVE A LOT OF THINGS. (but not math. even then i
appreciate how the square root of 4 is always 2, and 7 times 7 is 49 and
never 50. so reliable, it'd be my rock if i could actually fathom it.)
DON'T ASK ME TO CHOOSE.

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.

</td>

Angel

100%

Mermaid

75%

Faerie

Dragon

WereWolf

42%

Demon

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

&; i should be studying.

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:38:27 GMT

07 Oct 06

&; such great heights; excerpt; i tried.

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:12:03 GMT

"I don't understand,” she finally responds. The words are quiet, full of air where sound should be: more expelled than spoken. “You tell me I can do anything I set my mind to, but that's not true. Those walls, for instance. If I close my eyes and concentrate, my hands can feel the sun on those stones... the pain trickling out of my palms, pain from the building scratching up my skin as I climb. Eventually I find myself standing on a rooftop." She looks down at her lap, where a dozen or so leaves have collected. I get the feeling she is no longer talking to me; her gaze remains locked on the folds of her skirt even as she continues: "Too bad it's only a daydream. My feet are still planted on the ground. My hands are not torn. Just like they've always been. I realize this as soon as my eyes open, and the dream disintegrates. I get bitter and pissy, knowing I haven't really scaled those walls -- that I can't scale them and probably never will. The same goes for the sky and Jay; I can't touch them, no matter how intensely I think about it."

&; ...

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 21:51:19 GMT

It's 75 degrees again.

What the hell is going on up there?!

&; in which i... oh, forget it.

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 05:17:00 GMT

(come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

hidin' from your brothers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.)

...

EVERY TIME YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
LIES, LIES!
EVERY TIME YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
LIES, LIES!
EVERY TIME YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
LIES, LIES!
EVERY TIME YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
LIES, LIES!

what?

yes, i've been listening to this song all evening.

&; in which music saves my statistics book from a grisly death.

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 23:02:47 GMT

on the other hand, if i didn't review my archives periodically, i wouldn't have had -this- to keep me sane as i spent my afternoon interpreting normal distribution curves and other impossibilities:

(original answers)

~~answer each of the following questions with the song lyrics of one artist/band:~~
use the lyrics of any artist, any band!

are you male or female:
guilty by design
she's nothing more then fiction.
she dreams in digital,
because it's better then nothing.
orgy – fiction (dreams in digital)

describe yourself:
i got a bowling ball in my stomach
i got a desert in my mouth
figures that my courage would choose to sell out now
tori amos – crucify

how do some people feel about you:
you see the world in black and white
no colour or light
you think you'll never get it right
but you're wrong. you might.
coldplay – low

how do you feel about yourself:
i am not permanent
and the only thing keeping me dry is
where i am
(where i am)
(where i am)
the postal service - district sleeps alone tonight

describe where you are:
i'm all alone thinking of yesterday's blues
i don't like to
but i ain't got nothing else to do
ellegarden – stereoman

describe where you want to be:
i want to live where soul meets body
and let the sun wrap its arms around me
and bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
and feel, feel what its like to be new
death cab for cutie - soul meets body

describe what you want to be:
warm, viscous body, cooling
in marine air embrace.
curing, skinning over
a still molten core.
bjork - holographic entrypoint

describe how you live:
i'm a path of cinders
burning under your feet
you're the one who walks me
i'm your one way street

i'm a whisper in water
secret for you to hear
you are the one who grows distant
when i beckon you near
bjork – bachelorette

describe how you love:
oh, when the day is blue
i’ll sit here wondering about you
and how the pollen fell
all around your face in strange yellow patterns

but i wasn't prepared for this
oh, i wasn't prepared for this.
eisley – i wasn’t prepared

share a few words of wisdom:
and we'll all float on okay
and we'll all float on all right
already we'll all float on
now don't you worry we'll all float on
alright already we'll all float on
alright don't worry we'll all float on
modest mouse – float on

&; in which i demonstrate my capacity for self-indulgent whining.

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 01:43:17 GMT

# how does one gain confidence?
# why can't i ever LEAVE MY ARCHIVES ALONE FJIOds;hFSDl; ???

# the weather won't make up its mind. yesterday the temperature was in the high-70s; this morning it had plunged to a frosty 40 degrees. (dear fall, are you ready to take summer's place at the weather-helm or not? please decide, already.)
# i really do love my nana userpics.
# i'm failing japanese. (as in, i'm getting a B-. oh kim, you overachiever, you.)
# i have work in ten minutes. whose idea was it to take thurs. night closing again? oh yeah, that's right: me. (you night owl, you.)

&; in which i'll probably embarrass myself further.

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 00:01:46 GMT

you know you’re too emotionally invested in a character when the prospect of a tragic fate makes you want to:

a) retreat into a corner of your room and weep
b) cling to your poor confused roommate by the shoulders and demand from her reassurance of your character’s safety

in the latest volume of the manga, reira has just ended her relationship with shin, citing her high profile and recent scrapes with SEARCH, a gossip magazine, as the primary reasons for the breakup. neither shin nor reira are particularly happy about this decision, but they both know they might end up hurting their respective bands (and, in reira’s case, charged with statutory rape – though I don’t think that’s ever mentioned in the story, hee) if they continue to see each other. reira suggests that the two can still keep in touch through e-mail and phone and even attempts to call shin one night – only to have him yell at her, “what a selfish woman! if you call me, it’ll only make me want to see you even more.” the scene ends with shin abruptly hanging up, and reira crying in the stark emptiness of her room.

reira manages to fool those around her into thinking she is immune to the breakup, though glimpses of her in her private moments let the readers know otherwise. her ability to mask heartache comes as no surprise; after all, if she is able to substitute her childlike personality with one of a sophisticated songstress whenever she has an interview or other public appearance, she should be able to temporarily feign cheerfulness to keep her misery undetected.

reira is a woman of many faces: to her fans, she is trapnest’s beautiful & talented lead singer; to her bandmates, their flighty but invaluable princess. to herself, however, “a reira who cannot sing is worthless” – she believes she has nothing to offer the world but her voice; that without her ability to sing and affect an audience from onstage – make it cry or laugh – she has no skill that can possibly sustain her emotionally in this life, nothing that can take her away from a fate of merely existing. her role as a vocalist completes her and gives her purpose, and it is because of this that she insists on sacrificing even love to avoid creating a scandal for trapnest, the entity in which she feels she has the utmost worth. at the same time, she is growing exhausted with the constant efforts required to preserve her image (e.g. the actual spelling of her name is layla, after the eric clapton song – but trapnest’s producer forced her to change it to hide the fact that her father was an american!), and the relative isolation that her singing career entails. she craves her own life, one without producers and stage crews making her up to be someone she’s not, and in which her interaction with others transcends that of a formal business relationship; and yet, if she were to walk away from it all, her reputation as a vocalist might suffer an irrevocable blow, and she will lose that scrap of self-worth to which she clings so tightly.

(maybe i’m reading too much into the story. maybe i’m misinterpreting it. i really hope not, but i can't help but suspect this would come off as groundless speculation if i were to post it in, let's say, a message board or character shrine. i guess it's time to weave in those supporting details.)

anyway, i’m afraid for reira because she strikes me, for some reason, as very ophelia-esque. her flowing locks, her willowy figure (a trait common to all the girls in this series!) being carried away into some deep abyss by the rapid flow of events that drive the manga. i don’t know why, but i have a hunch that the series will not end happily for her. it’s a shame – i really like reira! i like the dichotomy of her sophisticated appearance and childlike nature, how she is torn between the loneliness that stems from her status as a celebrity, and her distorted sense of self-worth that would consume her should she choose to abandon her music. i like (and can relate to) what she said about being human: it’s tiring. no matter how hard she tries to maintain a façade around others, she cannot lie to herself: she is herself, deep down beneath the glossy, made-for-showbiz exterior. the quirks, the loneliness, the desperation of a woman caught between the demands of her career and her own personal longings are present and threatening to seep through even her well-crafted mask.

&; why i should not stay up late.

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 06:24:49 GMT

(one of my favorite panels from the manga. or rather, the takoyaki scanlations.)

no, i don't know why i like the idea of the 22-year-old lead singer of japan's most popular musical talent hooking up with a 15-year-old gigolo/bassist of her rival band. but they seem to genuinely care for each other, their personalities mesh well, and though they're broken up now, there's still hope that the red thread between them has not been completely severed.

(other ships i'm on: yasu x nana o., takumi x hachi/nana k., nana x nana, nobu x yuri, nobu x shin (hehe). why is this series so entertaining?)

i'm also at a loss as to why i'm attracted to the aforementioned 15-year-old gigolo/bassist (who also happens to drink and smoke habitually, dons about 17 piercings, and inhabits an inaccessible, fictional universe) -- because, in all honesty, this makes me feel creepy and pedophilic and a little like a cradle robber, though when you consider shinichi okazaki's birthday (november 1st, 1986) and the year in which NANA is set (2001), anyone can see that the boy is actually older than me -- and that, were he somehow portalled from black-and-white manga land into the real world, he'd be two months shy of his twentieth birthday. (in other words: no, i really shouldn't feel guilty about the age difference! because it's technically not an issue! it's not!)

...

i can't believe i just wasted fifteen minutes of my life trying to justify my infatuation with a fictional character. then again, those of you who know me probably already know that this is typical behavior on my part, and that the first three words of the previous sentence constitute a lie.

(*cries* i'm batty... so very, very batty.)

&; the wind-up bird chronicle

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 06:37:30 GMT

p. 24

Is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?

We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close are we able to come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?

p. 225

“Why do you like jellyfish so much?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I guess I think they’re cute,” she said. “But one thing did occur to me when I was really focused on them. What we see before us is just one tiny part of the world. We get into the habit of thinking, This is the world, but that’s not true at all. The real world is in a much darker and deeper place than this, and most of it is occupied by jellyfish and things. We just happen to forget all that. Don’t you agree? Two-thirds of the earth’s surface is ocean, and all we can see of it with the naked eye is the surface: the skin. We hardly know anything about what’s underneath the skin.”

&; squall

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 06:24:19 GMT

My nose is running, I’m feeling a little dizzy and pissed at myself for having left the house without a jacket this morning. It was blustery on the way to bus stop, and by the time Nadia and I finished our grocery shopping the wind was pelting raindrops at passerby, who shrieked and ducked into stores whenever the cold invisible hand turned their umbrellas inside out, or sent a rogue sheet of plastic sticking to their faces. The rain was only heavy enough to leave a few dark specks on my clothing, but it was unfriendly and chilling like Nova Scotian sea spray. I stood over a subway grate and tried to absorb as much of the heat rising from the metal grid as possible, but it was not enough to keep me from catching this cold I’ve been trying to avoid since the last time I was bedridden, back in April.

At least, in dressing inappropriately for the weather and checking into school a day early (for no reason other than the fact that I had nothing engaging to do at home) – then going back home to eat dinner and pack for the actual move-in (the glory of living ten miles away from school), I managed to take a good survey of the room I’m sharing with Nadia. Our window overlooks an alley where people probably get murdered, but there’s a tree rubbing its leaves against the pane, and the apartments directly across from us offer good opportunities for people watching. We each have a bookshelf and closet, and behind our door hangs the full-length mirror we were noticeably deprived of last year. We have bunk beds again, this time with two rungs to the ladder instead of three. The place is a little barren now, but I’m thinking of all the decorations we have planned and it’s already starting to feel like home.

&; I'M HOME.

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 03:54:07 GMT

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHAT A WONDERFUL TOWN.

&; hong kong, a sample.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 14:53:22 GMT

on my collarbone, catching sunlight:
a white gold pendant.

tin foil fluttering down from the rotunda ceiling like metallic butterflies.

lunch (a hybrid of east and west):
beef curry
red bean panna cotta
a fun bendy straw contained in a melon smoothie --
-- (silly thing to mention, but you wouldn't believe how rare these are in beijing).

before all this: a woman at the airport tells her daughter to look for yellow ribbons; i stand beside her at the baggage claim and keep my own watch for the red twine of my suitcase handle.

&; ahaha.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 12:11:15 GMT

Me = Beijing, 7:30 pm
Jen = Milpitas, 4:30 am

x pales3ptember: I had curry for dinner tonight.
xj3nuhx: CON..CUR..CONCUR.. curry
x pales3ptember: It was yellow and good.
x pales3ptember: CONCURRENT.
x pales3ptember: Ooh, big words.
xj3nuhx: yellow and good like a good discharge *puke*
xj3nuhx: EWWW
x pales3ptember: ..YOU HAVE RUINED CURRY FOR ME FOREVER.
xj3nuhx: I'm weird at this time
xj3nuhx: LIRLIRILASKDFJKJ
x pales3ptember: KLRIRLRLR
x pales3ptember: Okay, I think I have to go and like... do my homework now.